Email Humor

Following are email selections which portray the friendly, often humorous rivalry in 2010 among the Great Scott Cycling Club's A, B, and C Teams:

6/14/2010: This was an evening of "near-triumph" for C Team. We were .6 mile ahead of the faster teams, and we hadn't even started yet. We kid you not... our odometers do not lie. We rode (11.8 mi @ 12.7 mph) till there were "blue shadows on the trail," and even stopped to socialize and sing "Tumblin' Tumble Weeds" with Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, and the Sons of the Pioneers. Then, it was back to the ol' corral, the chuck wagon, and a hearty meal of ribs and beans. -- C-Team

6/25/2010: We are not ones to brag, but the truth must be known. After special calculations allowed by our by-laws, the "slow" C Team pedaled 60.9 miles and averaged 36.3 mph - all of it up a 30° incline! When we arrived back at Michael's Cycles, we were 2,500 feet above sea level; with daring flair, we dove to the parking lot on bungee cords attached to Apache helicopters. After we stopped bouncing, Denny and Nancy of the B team were on hand to greet and congratulate us, but there was no sign of A Team. Did the A teamers go so fast that they broke a time barrier and are now riding their bicycles on muddy, rutted roads in Peru back in 1908!? If anyone knows where they are, please notify their relatives. -- C-Team

6/25/2010: Actually, the A Team did end up in a time (and space) warp, but we went to the future instead of the past. We went to the year 2112, and ended up on an earth-like planet 42.6 light years away. What a trip! There is no need to notify our relatives, as we will be "Back from the Future" in time for tomorrow morning's Jordan Valley Bike Tour. We hope to see many of you there! -- A-Team

6/28/2010: A Team seemed a bit emotionally vulnerable this evening, so we will simply congratulate them on whatever miles and speed they want to claim. The B's rode 20+ miles, with C Team nipping at their heels the entire way.
The real excitement happened in the parking lot before the ride. Michael let out "Cal" (his gentle, 13-year-old wolf-dog) to do his duty. Cal loped across the traffic lane to an open parking spot across from Michael's Cycles, squatted and did himself proud right on the pavement next to a lady's car. Seconds later, the lady walked into that space to get into her car, and started complaining about Cal's work of art. We thought the occasion called for a verse of the "Hokey Pokey":
You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out,
You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.
The nice lady didn't seem to think that was very funny. -- C-Team

7/5/2010: The rain held off till we were safely under umbrellas at Hooligan's after the ride. A Team was absent this evening... can't blame them; there was a puddle or two along the way, and they were probably afraid of hydroplaning into Lake Superior.
To regain their status as A Team, their members are ordered report to the Meadows Golf Course where, using five irons, they must demonstrate that they can hit the ball from the men's tee to a point beyond the ladies' tee. It hurts to treat our speedsters like this, but rules are rules. -- C-Team

7/8/2010: I figured I would get this written while C Team is still relaxing at T.J. Hooligan's.
We gotta tell ya, this cycling club is becoming so popular, it will soon be mentioned in C.J.'s column or be the focus of an "On the Road with Jason Davis" special before the year is out. A Team must have had a dozen riders themselves. Since we all know it's easier to ride in larger groups, it seems the A Team is sandbagging by having so many. Do they even have to pedal? Most probably tuck in behind Brian in his new all-carbon Tri bike or in the slipstream of Shari and Jeff's tandem.
The B group consisted of Scott, Tom, Neil, and Kerry (me). We had a great ride out, tagging along with A Team until we were persuaded by Dave to peel off to go toward Judicial Road while they "put on a few more miles" on Mushtown. Isn't there a bar over there somewhere?? Kind of suspicious...
Hooligan's was a blast! We toasted some new members, including Kathryn who joined us for the first time. We toasted Roger Dahl who is the reigning national water ski champion in his class. We got a free Margarita from a neighboring table! All good things.
So, if you are reading this and wondering if it's too late to join the most popular club in the South Metro Midwest (!) where it is socially acceptable, and even encouraged, to wear Spandex, it isn't. Join the fun and let C Team buy you a free drink at Hooligan's for being a new member. -- B-Team

7/12/2010: B Team was angry tonight - angry like a sleeping Chihuahua when you tweak it in the ear with your finger and then as it drifts off back to sleep, you do it again. We don't know if it was because of its sheer number - a record 21 riders in the B group alone - or because C Team had thrown down the gauntlet and members had something to prove. All we know is that B Team rode as if they had something to prove.
We started off reasonably enough, sticking together pretty well, like the beginning of a stage in the Tour de France. As we went south on Mushtown, something happened. People were itching to break away from the pack, and two new riders did. They were like Alberto Contador and Andy Schleck going for the stage win! We watched them as they rode out of sight down the road. The problem is, they turned left when they were supposed to turn right, so they were going down the wrong road.
The angry Chihuahuas were not done growling for the night though. As we turned west on 8, Kat and Neil pulled the rest of the riders along like when two parents in a hurry to get their shopping done drag their screaming kids past the toy section of Wal-Mart. We headed back to Hooligan's for drinks and good conversation. This was another record-breaking night: 39 riders and lots of great fun! -- B-Team

7/18/2020: Great weather, great ride, great bunch of people - all three teams were represented by the 12 riders on this special 32-mile Sunday ride, and there was nothing but harmony.
BUT WAIT! Something did occur that must be disclosed to all club members. We had ridden 10 miles or so, and had made a rest-room stop. C Team leader was stationary (a perfect picture of balance and control) astride his Specialized steed, and enjoying the lake view, when there was a humongous straight-line whoosh of wind that lifted him off his bicycle and tossed him like a rag doll onto the grass next to the path. He was spread-eagled on his back with his limbs twitching uncontrollably. "Please, dear Lord, not nerve gas," he pleaded. People were hovering over him, shouting, "Are you okay?" Their voices sounded far away to him.
Then, about to pass out, he detected the distinct aromas of refried beans and taco sauce, with just a hint of rotten eggs. Was this a bottle of cheap wine gone bad? Nay. He knew what it was, and it didn't come from a bottle. The source was a certain B Team leader/Chihuahua who had emerged from the rest room and played a very nasty trick on him.
BUT WAIT (again)! There's more!! A message** from this person has just appeared in our in-box. He claims that C Team leader fell... twice (lie, lie, lie). Do not let the verse of this "poet laureate" deceive you. C Team leader was blown off his bicycle by the most egregious act of orbit-changing wind-breaking this planet has experienced. And that is the absolute C-Team truth!
Write your verse, B Team... twist the truth, C Team will triumph... 'tis forsooth! -- C-Team

7/13/2010: What a great turn-out on a perfect evening! Thanks to all for waiting for some C Team late arrivals. There were so many riders grouped in front of Michael's Cycles that we thought we were the Spanish soccer team arriving at the Plaza de Mayor in Madrid!!
Who must we thank again and again for all of this? Big Al !! -- C-Team

**7/18/2010:
Half a crank half a crank,
Half a crank onward,
All in the valley of the Mississippi
Rode the twelve riders
'Forward, the bike riders!'
Charge for the beer he said:
Into the valley of the Mississippi
Rode the twelve riders.

'Forward, the Bike Riders!'
Was Neil dismay'd?
Not tho' the rider knew
Gary had blunder'd:
Gary's not to make reply,
Gary's not to reason why,
Gary's but to tip over and lie,
Into the valley of the Mississippi
Rode the twelve riders.

Branches to right of them,
Dog crap to left of them,
Toddlers in front of them
Zigged & zagged;
Dodging from sight and smell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Minneapolis,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the twelve riders.

Flash'd all their cycles bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air
Dodging the runners there,
Charging a peleton while
All the walkers wonder'd:
Zipping past the second-hand smoke
Toward the Stone Arch Bridge they broke;
Gary and the C-Team
Reel'd from the pedal-stroke,
Shatter'd & sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not,
Not the twelve riders.

Slow riders to right of them,
Rollerbladers to left of them,
Gary behind them
Pedaled and sped;
Passing with the din of a bell,
While once again Gary fell,
They that had rode so well
Came thro' the jaws Minneapolis,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of twelve riders.

When can their glory of the B-team fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the C-Teamers wonder'd.
Honour the charge the B Team made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble B-Team Riders!
-- B-Team poet laureate Kerry

7/18/2010: Up to this point, those of us on the A Team have stayed aloof and above the fray, and have steered clear of the petty arguments of the leaders of B and C Teams. But we now find it necessary to speak out to correct an error.
It has been noted that C Team leader Gary took a spill this afternoon while at a complete stop, and has accused Kerry of being the cause of said fall by the release of a noxious gas under high pressure. A Team can say with 100% accuracy that Gary is mistaken in this case, as there was no release of high velocity wind from the position that Kerry occupied. A Team has another explanation.
A little understood quantum phenomenon was recently discovered. It is known by the nickname "spooky action at a distance," but is generally called by its more proper name, Quantum Entanglement. Suffice it to say that we believe Kerry and Gary (notice similarity in names) are entangled at the quantum level. So, while it is evident that Kerry did not blow Gary over, he did nevertheless cause his spill. I believe this "spooky action at a distance" can be set in motion by a mere thought by those so entangled. So if Kerry were to just think in passing, "You know, it might be nice if Gary fell over on this ride," this may have been enough to cause the event. Of course, our theory will need to be tested and repeated under controlled, scientific conditions multiple times to prove it is correct or not. If it is, the phenomenon should work in both directions, meaning that Gary can affect Kerry, as well.
Respectfully aloof and fully above the fray, A Team captain Jay

7/18/2010: A Team spokesman stays "aloof" and safely "above the fray," but sides with B Team. C Team captain was in his body when the explosive "break wind" hit him. Therefore, he was in the best position to accurately describe what happened! We will go easy on the A Team spokesman this one time, because he does try to ingratiate himself with the Quantum Entanglement theory.
Speaking of aloofness, we have noticed some haughty behavior by the A Team recently. In particular, A Team Jay (6'5") constantly looks down on C Team Gary (5'10") when they are standing next to each other. This is the "people's" bicycling club, and C Team leader (Mr. Minnesota Nice 2010), will not tolerate such behavior. -- C-Team

7/18/2010:
Wherever you ride
Be it county road, city or town
Always remember
Keep the shiny side up
And the rubber side down. B-Team poet laureate Kerry

7/19/2010: It was great to welcome Terry Low from Monterey, CA, to our happy group this evening. From what we have heard, he belongs on an A+ Team!
We are taking it easy on B Team this evening. Its leader was eating doggie milk bones at Hooligan's. Very nutritious, but kind of weird. Question: do we take him to a vet, a physician, or a shrink? -- C-Team

7/26/2010: Tires filled for the first time to 120 psi, C Team Gary's bicycle was going so fast that Gary could no longer hang on. He dove off into a grassy patch on the side of the road, looked up, and saw his cycle still upright and gaining speed. It was nearly out of sight and traveling at 60+ mph when it finally wandered off the road into a soft hay stack, atop which sat a lovely farmer's daughter (Mae West) who said to the handsome bike: "Tell your macho rider to come up and see me some time."
We now know that A and B Teams have been riding faster because they have been filling their tires to at least 200 psi! Three can play at this game! So watch out, A and B Teams. The C Team T-Rex'ers are coming after the Chihuahua's and Mongolian Wild Asses. -- C-Team
C Team fearsome, hungry T-Rex
B Team yipping, pooping Chihuahua
A Team snooty, stinking Mongolian Wild Ass
Disclaimer: descriptions, remarks, and anything else that may or may not be considered offensive do not apply to the ladies.

7/29/2010: A Team Jay is now breeding new members for A Team. A four-day-old "Zedonk," a cross between a zebra and a donkey, stands next to her mother in Jay's backyard. Jay has named it "Pippi long stockings."

C Team will take this matter under advisement, but we still prefer Mongolian Wild Ass. The Zedonk is simply too cute to represent the A Team. -- C-Team

8/5/2010: We welcomed two new riders: Eric (A Team) and Bruce (C Team). No sign of A Team Jay this evening. Last we heard from him he was protesting the name assigned to A Team - "stinky Mongolian wild asses." What's Jay's problem? Clocking at 40 mph, they are the 13th fastest animal on this planet. A Team is fast, so "wild asses" seems quite appropriate.
Jay feels that A Team should be called "the thoroughbreds," because of their "fine breeding, thorough training, and level of fitness. Thoroughbred horses don't even make the top-20 list of fastest animals, which includes the domestic pig and the 3-toed sloth... though we do believe that horses with asses would make the list. But compassionate C Team is reluctant to call A Team "the horses' asses." A Teamers are not bad people, just a bit misguided. -- C-Team

8/10/2010: It was again a beautiful evening. The temp was a little warm, but the dew point dropped and it was nice. But... ... last night's ride was the "ride from hell." Among the three teams we had a combined total of six flats, with yours truly having one of them. Here is the ride route and info: ride. -- President Big Al

8/10/2010: "Ride from hell" reports our supreme allied commander, "Big Al." C Team leader was also victimized - by a deafening blow-out that shredded the carcass of his rear tire. The ground shook, trees swayed, and Prior Lake was cranking up a tsunami!
Six flats in all, causing untold havoc: an innocent confluence of isolated events? No way! Perhaps you noticed A Team Dave lurking among us before the ride in his street clothes, moving stealthily from bicycle to bicycle - a fist full of tacks in one hand, a razor blade in the other. When questioned, a pre-concocted story flowed from his devilish lips, while little red points on either side of his forehead blinked on and off. "I can't ride tonight... gotta repair the screen door, leaving tomorrow, haven't packed yet... ." Yada, yada, yada.
The full truth is now apparent! This seemingly upright citizen had crossed to the dark side on that night as hot as the fires of hell. He had snapped like the JetBlue flight attendant who spewed a stream of F words over the intercom, activated an emergency slide, grabbed a beer and fled the scene at JFK. -- C-Team

8/10/2010: Sadly, Dave crossed the River Styx some time before Monday. On Saturday, while riding the dark and solitary ribbon of pine-shouldered tarmac somewhere between Tower and Ely, MN, I heard the evil hiss of air below and found that I, too, had become a victim. Analysis of the handiwork confirmed that the instrument of my undoing was none other than Dave's infamous razor blade. The reality is now upon us: Dave has gone rogue. -- B-Team Allen

8/10/2010: Allen's story confirms C Team's situational analysis. C Team thanks Allen for his well-written and "right-on" message because, alas, too many A and B teamers think C Team is making this stuff up! All members must join hands and do an intervention with Dave. It is not too late to wrest him from the forces of darkness. -- C-Team

8/10/2010: An investigation is needed to determine where Dave was this past weekend. I had a flat doing the Tour De Tonka on Saturday morning. I recall seeing a jersey similar to the one Dave often wears. From the gathering mountain of evidence, I, also, was a victim of his evil sabotage! -- C-Team Joleen